Allison Crow

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affirmations, appreciation, HEART, Inner Whisper, love, personal, Self Love Series, Soul-Full Living, Uncategorized

What is it about Words of Affirmation & Why You Should Fall In Love With Yourself

July 4, 2012

What is it about words of affirmation? My GAWD they feel good, at least to me. . . and I’m sure many of you.  Who doesn’t love a compliment or a kind verbal sentiment?

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 Love Languages. 

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Physical Touch

 

Most people have one to two that really matter to them, and often the Divine Universe allows you to partner with someone who has an entirely different love language.

For years this drove me nuts. I married a man who isn’t really affected by words. Acts of service are his thing.  That means he expresses and receives love in chores (totally not my thing).

Unload the dishwasher, make the bed….I didn’t care. What I really wanted was more of the WORDS…. Express some sentiment to me that will make me feel good!!! ARGH.  For a few years, our different love languages meant we were both speaking in a language the other just didn’t get and we seemed to be in a perpetual power struggle.

And then I decided to accept my own crapola.

I was expecting HIM to give me what I needed when I didn’t bother to give myself words of affirmation.   Once I began to change the way I spoke to myself, I began to get more of what I needed to feel valid!

Who knew — this WHOLE time, I could find the validation I was craving within!   For years I’d looked for it from bosses, boyfriends, clients, family—anyone and then, in one quiet moment, this conversations when through my mind:

Ego: “My husband should love me more.”

My inner whisper: “I should love me more”

 

I should love me more!!! IIIII should love me more. 

Holy Toledo it was the best hit I ever did get!

Today, I’m much better at giving myself the words of affirmation that I need- I write them, I draw them, I make affirmation cards, I speak to myself out loud in the mirror and I send myself notes in the mail.   It is also easier for me to give my husband the acts of service that make him feel special– since I’m filling my own bucket, I’m overflowing more often, so it feels good to fill his bucket.

Side Note: a strange and delightful side effect of this is that NOW I’m getting more of those verbal affirmations from him.

When you fall in love with yourself–then LOVE can really happen.  Then kindness can really happen.  Divine Love is already there in you, waiting for you to tap in instead of seeking it so much from outside your self. FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF and WATCH the LOVE in your LIFE GROW!

My questions for you today:

  • How can you love YOU more? 
  • Could you consider stopping looking outside yourself for the validation, for the affection, for the kindness and compassion and go within?
  • How can you be the love of your own life?  
  • How can you give yourself what you need?

 

Oh and by the way, your hair looks awesome!

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5 Love Languages affirmations Better Relationships Gary Chapman Self love
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Comments

  1. Lisa Marie says: July 4, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Allison,
    I loved this post. I relate very much to wanting the words and having a different language of love than hubby. I also love that you went within to see how you could love yourself more. This also is my homework as of late too. I recently realized how much of a b*tch I was being towards myself, making myself work 14-16 hours per day and not take a lunch break. Oh, then, people started to be mean to me. I heard my inner voice say, “Well, if you stop being mean to yourself, others will too.” Ouch 🙂 Thanks for emblazoning this in my mind and spirit, these positive things 🙂 xo

    • Allison Crow says: July 4, 2012 at 2:13 pm

       I chuckle because I totally feel ya!  We gotta own and love our selves from the inside out!  I appreciate you Lisa Marie!

      • Lisa Marie says: July 5, 2012 at 2:29 am

        Heehee! xoxoxo 

  2. jbledsoejr says: July 4, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    I can relate on a couple levels.  Acts of service is my LL, and words of affirmation is my wife’s LL…it took us a while to understand this, and we are still working on it, but making progress.  🙂  It can be pretty frustrating not knowing what makes your spouse feel loved and/or respected.

    I also have been guilty of verbally abusing myself (with my thoughts).  I can be very hard on myself.  I didn’t realize that was wearing me down over time…now I am very careful of my thoughts and words.  We have to CHOOSE and USE them WISELY.

    GREAT post Allison!

  3. Shantini says: October 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Hey Allison! Just discovered you and your site via Twitter – I love what your’re doing and your site is fantastic. I’ve already signed up for your coaching kit 🙂

    • Allison Crow says: October 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

      Welcome and Hooray! So glad the universe connected us!

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Create fairly consistently and you create a body o Create fairly consistently and you create a body of work that continues to impact while you are sleeping, or playing, or on sabbatical, or dead. 

I took the last 6 weeks off from podcasting and emailing my beloved subscribers. 

While I was napping I had almost 2k downloads. 

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I tell my clients when they #sharetheirwork and #showtheirheart it is like the prayer flags.... you hang it out there and Spirit carries it in the wind to land where it may.
Here is an expressive arts piece I created with lo Here is an expressive arts piece I created with lots of the parts of myself that had been pushed down for decades.

After being certified as an expressive arts facilitator and leading a few retreats, I suddenly stopped painting. I had to create some foundations and life stability physically, financially, and in my emotionally in order to expand my capacity for this work.

I am ready to bring this work back again. Keep your eye out for fall painting retreats.... 

Ps. Somehow I want this grainy image of tempura paint on poster paper- to be the cover of the book I am writing- a raw and inspiring memoir on becoming a woman of range.
Hey smart people... this one is for YOU. For the Hey smart people... this one is for YOU.  For the first 42 years of my life- KNOWING shit and managing my mind protected and propelled me.

Critical thinking, research, learning everything I could about what ever I was interested in- brought me success, power, position.

Just like many of my high achieving clients- our intellect and performance masked and hurried an ability to meet and manage emotions. We used force of productivity to shove down intense and uncomfortable feelings. And certainly we weren’t taught these skills in our families or education. 

Honestly I was 7 years into a coaching career before I realized I had zero capacity for difficult emotions- I’d been bypassing them woth “mindset and change your thinking.”

If you are like me and my clients, these buried emotions could often erupt instantly and unexpected- as rage, verbal violence, name calling, cutting people off and out of our lives with no warning and other emotionally harmful behaviors. I particularly had a verbally violent rage that covered my deepest abandonment fears and pain.

Interestingly it was never coaching that led me to meeting my emotion. It was art, and expressive arts (therapeutic intuitive Painting). 

This experience and training - in the context of a culture of polarized politics and some personal family stuff- gave me the opportunity to meet my own most tender parts.

My lifelong depression lifted and the anxiety intensified- as my thinking self wanted to continue to stop me from feeling.

Actually feeling and being with emotion and sensation has become a practice in my life and in my work w clients.

Thank you to the mentors like @wildheartqueen and @richlitvin @rebeccachingmft who make space for me to make space for my most tender parts. I am grateful to myself for being willing to dive into what felt like the darkest spaces of my heart. 

I am almost 50.  If you are reading this- whatever age- I invite you to begin meeting your emotions and feeling with space and compassion. It is the gift I want the whole world to have.

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Love the opportunities that live in each moment!

Love rest and a good moisturizer and birds singing outside.

Love the tender and stressed parts so deeply- they are calling for your space and attention.

I know it might be the wrinkles on my forehead but for real, What are you loving today? This week? This moment?
It started early in my career as a sales coach for It started early in my career as a sales coach for coaches. In 2007 I was on a panel of experts & a question from the audience led me to sharing that, albeit ‘successful & positive’ I struggled with anxiety & depression.  When I made that private struggle public, I saw many heads in the audience nod their heads, & after our session, a line of coaches waited their turns to say, “Thank you for sharing, me too.”

A few days later, back in the office, my mentor, coach, boss shamed me, “I would NEVER have shared that” as she looked at me with disgust.

That moment I knew I would lead others in a different way. I would share more of my true self... and I would acknowledge & share tools & methods I used to manage my emotions and difficult parts... instead of pretending they didn’t exist.

At the time I had to be the leader I was looking for because vulnerability was not cool or welcome. Yet, something in me knew I had to learn to meet & work with all the parts of myself.

14 years later I hired a private leadership coach and she introduced me to #internalfamilysystems and all the connections are coming together.

Learning to lead my internal self and love all parts of myself... IS the work. 

So much of coaching and spirituality bypassed or hustled right over really important work.... and we wonder why we get lackluster results with a side of shame.

I see so much more clearly now than I ever have..... 30 years into personal development and I’ve just begun. 

💛 Allison
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We are so much more that can be shared here, and in fact at almost 50 I’m getting to know parts of me I’ve never met.

Today I encountered a part of me who “regrets” and feels shame about the past.  I just sat with her. Breathed with her. Welcomed her in and told her when she is ready to share I’m here willing to listen.

Leading yourself takes courage. It’s a squirmy journey. And so worth it.
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