What I’ve been doing is exactly what is keeping me from my next level of success:
I fix and solve all my own problems. I rarely ask for help. I am so fucking independent and a self-reliant.
It has made me a highly effective human being, employee, business owner, coach, even an easy wife for my husband. I get shit done. I solve problems. I make the call, and create and execute and leave the rest of the world in the dust with my ability to do and be without relying on anyone else.
I have or find ALL my own answers….. and then the itching started.
The FUCKING itching.
I’ve been itching for 3 months. My head and scalp….and my legs and arms. I have not really had allergies before…. and if I itched there was a reason – mosquito bites usually.
And this itching was different. The has been no outer evidence of why the FUCK I WAS ITCHING so much. It started with my head, and I thought it was from wearing my hair curly, and all the products. So I started wearing it straight again, or not styling it at all. And that didn’t help. My stylist said no dandruff and no evidence of anything on my scalp–yet the itching got worse. So I have been on a solution bender. Surely I can solve this fucking itch problem.
And then my body started itching. Deep internal-no-lotion-or-balm-soothes-this-shit itching.
My husband thinks I’m nuts…and to no avail…. no google search, no holistic method, no elimination of irritants…NOTHING IS HELPING THE FUCKING ITCHING.
And ITCHING incessantly is MADDENING.
(Thus all the f-words and capitalization).
I’ve been depressed –clinical style since returning from LA. I’ve been allowing the ebb, and taking care of myself. And this morning, determined to freshen up my spirit, I took a shower, shaved, and cleaned up. I even put on make up and decided I would have a fresh feel good day…. and then the itching started. Worse than it has EVER been before. I’m fucking clean and fresh and the itching is making me sob. I’m going MAD.
And then… I let out a cry…a peep of a cry really. I wasn’t direct…just a side door comment on Facebook:
“Is it possible one could be allergic to the water supply? Or can seasonal allergies make your whole body itch??? I think I am allergic to Denton. And am beginning to feel like a crazy person. Itching head to toe- no bites, no dry skin, no evidence of anything!!!!! #imgoingmad”
And then all of the sudden, the flood gates of support and ideas both logical and spiritual started coming in. OH MY GOSH. People started offering solutions and within seconds I had one person offering to facilitate a spiritual dialogue with my itching to see what it wants me to know( SOOOO my language)…and a second messaging me an offer for help and distance healing. I said YES. YES I need your help.
I need to receive…. and so I did.
Those two spiritual helps, and a slew of tactical solutions for my body and for my water supply.
And moments from that post…I was sobbing realizing that I simply am doing it all on my own. Spirit let me know that it is OK FOR ME TO ASK FOR HELP. In an instants my over-independence is glaring at me…and the itching softens.
“Just asking for help (even if it was through the indirect side door) has calmed the itching for right now. Spirit is always teaching me. I am so dang independent and rarely reach out for help. I think I don’t want to seem needy, or complainy, or whiney…. and then something happens…where I just can’t stand it…and I have to let out a peep of a cry….. and the Universe shows up in the form of all you LOVELY and divine people. People who I had no idea were even seeing my posts…and some who regularly love and support me. And I don’t feel so alone. And I realize I need my people. I need my friends. I need help from time to time. I don’t always have my shit together and I don’t have the wisdom and solutions for everything. Thank you Thank you thank you…. may seem silly that an itching post could have so much impact….but of course. Who am I to pigeonhole the Universe for how to love and support me. Much love to you all. Thanks for reading, for responding and for lending a helping and loving hand.”
____________
- I am itching to have community.
- I am itching to let love and support in.
- I am itching to connect.
- I am itching to be supported.
- I am itching to expand and grow my heart and business.
- I am itching to make a greater impact
- I am itching to be free and clear financially.
- I am itching to be more vulnerable
- I am itching to fail more
- I am itching to succeed more
- I am itching to be more open
- I am itching to STOP protecting my heart. My heart is fine and cared for by the divine.
- I am itching for this season of commuting to be over and for Bill and I to begin BEING HERE TOGETHER
- I am itching receive more of what I give in the world
- I am itching to clear out the clutter and gunk both physically and energetically
- I am itching to get my writing out…to both prolifically write and share and paint and share.
- I am itching ITCHING ITCHING…..
And It is ok for me to ask for help. I must ask for and take support.
I had to ask my coach to forgive me for being so fucking easy to work with. In 3 salons I have not requested a single session…and I can think of MAYBE 2-3 times on groups calls where I allowed myself something. I need help. I need a deep coaching call. I would like to ask for and ALLOW MYSELF to be deeply supported and coached. And yeah, needy is creepy…but so is an over independence. It is isolating and stopping me from going to my next level of impact.
I went to the LA Leadership Intensive to connect…. to just BE with my people. And I stayed in my safety zone at the wall. I love the wall, and staying at the wall won’t get me to my next level of success. I must be IN…in the MIDDLE of my people, in the middle of the vulnerability, in the middle of my shit and everyone else’s. I must be willing to need and accept support.
Fuck…. leaning in and learning……. and ready to be done itching.
….. Love, Allison
PS: Asking for help relieved the majority of the itching.
Receiving help throughout the day…graciously and in strength…and a session with Laura talking to the itch to find out what it wanted me to know and learn…… stopped even the itching on the crown of my head. It just feels warm at the moment of sharing this note.
PSS; I asked for the itching….I asked desire to shake me up….. I just didn’t know it would come with all the itches.
