IFS Coaching & a Brief Internal Family Systems Model Overview

 

 

IFS Coaching is at the heart of my work, whether we’re focusing on life, business, or SELF-leadership. Rooted in the Internal Family Systems model, this approach recognizes that each of us holds an “inner family” of parts and coping mechanisms running the show of our lives. Learning the skills of compassionately tending to these parts and learning to lead them fosters genuine self-trust, emotional agility, and a deep sense of inner safety. My goal is to help you access your Core Self, the wise and calm leader inside, so that you can show up with greater confidence, courage, and clarity in every aspect of your life and work.

IFS Overview

Internal Family Systems is an evidence-based modality (and a way of being) developed in the therapy room by Dr. Richard S. Schwartz over the last 40 years.  His clients helped him see the various elements of the framework, and now, IFS is used not only in therapy but in medicine, schools, business, and coaching! It’s also a helpful personal and spiritual practice for many.  

Family therapists work with the “system of the family” – all the members of the family and how they relate to each other.  Dr. Schwartz’s work discovered that each person has an “inner family” system and that we humans have a mind of multiplicity, not singularity. 

Haven’t we all said, “A part of me feels xyz, but another part of me knows abc”?

 

The IFS framework & lens align with ethical and non-violent coaching in that the client is seen as resourceful, creative, & whole; ~ all the wisdom the client needs can be found within the internal system.

The Internal Family System Model notes that four elements make up our internal systems:

• • • A central core SELF – SELF is the natural leader of your system and psyche, your natural essence, is undamaged, needs no improvement, and is perfect as is.  The SELF is the support and care you have always needed.  It is the CORE YOU. This SELF is permeated with these 8 Cs:

• • • Exiles: parts that hold pain, trauma, rejection, deep wounds, and shame.  These parts have been isolated or “exiled” away for their own protection.  They are tender and vulnerable and hold painful emotions, experiences, energies, and beliefs. 
      • Examples: not enough, fear of abandonment, too much, unloveable, shame, untethered, empty, worthlessness, undeserving

• • • Protector Managers: Managers run your daily life and give the illusion of control and safety.  They are proactive, generally “acceptable,” and use coping behaviors to prevent humiliation, rejection, and abandonment. They are dedicated to their jobs but often exhausted and feel alone. 
      • Examples:  people-pleasing, self-sabotage, anxiety, procrastination, excessive caretaking, overachieving, isolation

• • • Protector Firefighters – Firefighters are reactive parts who create diversions and prevent pain by numbing, bypassing, outsourcing, and distancing from difficult feelings. They claim they don’t care about the consequences and often feel shame and isolated.
      • Examples: eating disorders, addictions, substance abuse, anger issues, overspending with the purpose of not feeling difficult emotions

 

Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters carry pain and burdens, and the goal of this work is not to eliminate these parts but to help them build trust in SELF-energy and then release their burdens so they may serve updated roles in your system.  

For example, perhaps you have people-pleasing parts (managers) that show up and “drive the bus” when conflict arises.  Even though you “know better,” you may find yourself fawning and caving to avoid “making waves” in a relationship.

These protectors don’t want you to feel the pain of conflict – or maybe they think they are preventing an exile from experiencing violence that happens if someone is unhappy or upset. When you were small, these protectors kept you safe from being smacked or yelled at by someone you loved (when you were little, disagreement sometimes meant anger or violence), and so over time, these protectors took on this role to keep the little ones inside you from EVER feeling that pain again. 

 

Essential guiding principles of IFS Coaching and the Internal Family Systems Model: 

 

• • • IFS is non-pathologizing, inclusive, compassionate, spiritual, and profoundly respectful, providing us with inner authority. 
    • All parts have benevolent intent, no matter how problematic the behavior, so we say, “All Parts are Welcome” and use SELF-energy and the 8C’s to get to know the parts. 
    • We remember that parts are all just trying to do what they think is best for us; they are only using coping strategies that made sense at one time and are simply out of date now that we are adults. Curiously understanding parts, witnessing, and building trust is crucial to helping them adopt updated and more effective strategies.  
    • When interacting with part, we respect their autonomy and reasons for what they are and aren’t willing to do.  We respect that building trust takes time. Working slowly, respectfully, gently, and with complete presence over time is the fastest way to resolve issues with parts.

 

In the context of coaching my clients, IFS Coaching and SELF-Leadership is about compassionately seeing and caring for all our parts, building connection and trust so that SELF may benevolently lead.  No more suppressing, positivity bypassing, or doing a mindset flip while leaving parts rejected and even more strained. My goal is not to coach, teach, or parent my parts – or my client’s parts. It isn’t even about healing or overcoming, even though that often happens. 

For example, if I am afraid, my goal is no longer to eliminate or “get over” my fears but to learn the “BE WITH” skills that help me lead and care for my Fearful Parts from SELF.  The natural result of this SELF-leadership is confidence and courage.  These BE WITH skills build tremendous self-trust in my clients. My clients report greater internal calm, emotional agility, and self-acceptance.

I use the lens of IFS coaching with my clients to help them learn the skills of leading all parts of themselves as they cultivate their lives and work.

RESOURCES

• IFS Institute https://ifs-institute.com/ Where I was trained in IFS and IFS Coaching. 
• Podcast: WHY I SHIFTED FULL-ON TO INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS COACHING
• Podcast: BUILDING CAPACITY FOR DEEPER WORK – SELF LEADERSHIP
• Podcast: CONNECT WITH YOUR SELF
• Podcast: HOW TO USE THE 8 CS OF IFS TO SUPPORT YOUR BUSINESS
• Podcast: An Important Parts Work Distinction
• Post: On The Front Porch With Protective Parts in Manager-Led Business Owners
• A List of All of my IFS content in one place

 

Disclaimer:

I am a coach/practitioner, not a therapist. Internal Family Systems Coaching is not a substitute for psychotherapy and does not replace professional mental health advice or treatment. I am L1 trained (Dec 2022) in IFS by the IFS Institute. I have also completed coursework in IFS Specific Coaching and IFS-based group coaching.   IFS Coaching does not diagnose or constitute health care as therapy does. 

Completed IFS Training

• IFS Institute: L1 Training, Kay Gardner Lead Instructor, Dec 2022
• IFS Online Circle:  Foundation of the IFS Model, Spring 2022
• IFS- Inspired Coaching: Aligning The Inner System May 2021
• IFS- Peer Development Coaching Group, Jan 2022
• Bringing IFS Informed Practice to Groups, Fall 2022
• Introduction to Somatic IFS: An Embodied Approach to Healing Trauma, Fall 2022

IFS Education In Progress: 

• The Art of Negotiation in IFS Sessions – Challenging Protectors and Workable Agreements
• IFS Perspectives on Families Affected By Autism

• I have worked bi-weekly with an IFS therapist/coach since Jan 2021. 

 

If you’d like to learn about IFS coaching for business owners and professionals with me, visit my coaching page.

And I’d love to share with you my IFS-based Book, UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edges of Being Human.