Almost two years ago, my book on learning to live with an unarmored heart was published. 2 years ago yesterday, I had an NSTMI heart attack and spent three days in the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out what was going on. Talk about unarmored; life demanded it.
Last night, I told Bill, “I don’t think I’ve been the same since; I just know I’m not who I was before 2022, and I haven’t figured out who I am becoming.”
In midlife, we don’t all need a significant health scare to help us realize we aren’t the same person anymore. My college human development textbooks had literally only a single paragraph on midlife development, mentioning the stereotypical midlife crisis.
Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis, and for many of us, it is a season of challenging and confronting transitions that activate what we’ve stuffed to the side for many years.
—-
Usually, my writing flows, and just like in midlife – my ‘flow” here has stopped and started and choked. Each of us has a list of our own personal events – that contribute to the clusterfuck that midlife can be.
Where am I going? This is another question that speaks to the layers of my life. I don’t have anything I’m “going after.” Sure, I can make up obligatory goals, but I don’t roll that way. My heart has to be infused with it. For now, I do not have much vision, drive, or direction, but there are also days when I am fully annoyed with the wandering.
My “capitalism brain” shames and shoulds me into creating a big vision and coming up with the next “thing” to sell for 20k months. My mortgage and skin care products also want to make sure I’m still earning money. It’s a little financially scary to divest so much of my identity from business me – it has been easier to make money when, deep inside, I was afraid and had something to prove. It was much easier to drive and market and strive and DO when my coping mechanisms ran the show.
When there is no intrinsic big vision – my nudges have encouraged me to find goodness in the specific. Yesterday, (which was a mentally wonky day) was brightened by capturing this bumble bee in my salvia blooms, and the glorious Sports Illustrated images of USA rugby player Ilona Maher in her red triangle-top bikini. My unarmored midlife joy is in the moments like these.
I have no doubt that My Internal Drive will show up in her right time. I am a gardener, not a machine. (Yesterday, I didn’t believe this -today, I do). It is only my job to be present with what is and to be compassionate with all parts of me in this midlife weirdness.
1:1 work with clients has confirmed this. The deliciousness of going slow and deep and spacious with clients – many of whom are experiencing their own versions of releasing the white-knuckle grip on how things used to be, or what their capitalism brains incessantly demand. Together, we are learning to deeply self-trust and regenerate from the inside truth of who we are vs who the world told us we should be.
If you want a skilled, caring, and compassionate hand to hold as you navigate this season of your life and work, I have space open on my roster in September. Message me or start at www coachwithallison dot com.
Finally, yes, I am a bit lonely and miss being in community. I’ll admit that out loud. In the past, I always created the community I wanted – I’m not sure I’m ready to do that, yet, but I am considering it in my heart and body.
As always, my heart is to share so you don’t feel so alone. And, to show you my bumble bee in the salvia flowers, and in doing so I remember that I am enough in this moment. So are you.
