Yes, it’s the time of year when I think about what I desire for the year ahead. And the slowness and space help me FEEL and notice my cravings (the deeper under the “don’t feel” cravings)…. and my feelings actually give me so much information. In the “coachy” and “mindset” world, we have been taught to ignore them…that they aren’t reliable.
I disagree.
When I really self-connect with the feeling parts of me, I get the BEST and TRUEST wisdom… I get information about what’s UNDER the feeling and emotion. Emotions are the means of getting my attention so that I might slow down to get curious and go deeper.
Even the deep pangs of loss and grief are my teachers and give me hope I wouldn’t have without the loss. Being willing to feel all the way to the edges of this human condition is giving me life!
Here’s what I sense for me for the coming year:
Yet, ANOTHER deeper layer of truly being ME – without the masks. Embracing my quirks of using so many words instead of being concise as a speaker and teacher. Living in my unfilteredness MORE instead of less because I feel shame put on my by the world’s SHOULDS.
Yesterday I was hit with a wave of business grief when listening to a podcast with Brene Brown, Adam Grant, and Simon Sinek. A younger part of me has longed for “notoriety” and success like they have for years. But wanting and having are two different things. And my reasons for wanting that have been healed more and more. I wanted that to feel significant. But now that I FEEL significant from within, I sense no need or desire for that and I certainly don’t want the effort and complexity of that much BIGNESS.
On that podcast, I was struck by two terms – and I’m stealing them and putting them in my own context.
Maker and Manager.
Having that much bigness requires a large portion of “managerness” just for function. And my system doesn’t function well at all with that much “managerness.” Even with leveraged help, my brain stalls with so much mental load.
I am a MAKER! Not a manager. I am a creator and a creative. I am sensitive and tender. I require excessive space to really thrive. I do love ideas, and coaching, and teaching, and writing, and making art. I crave connection and belonging more than scale.
Even though for years I have been living in my authentic self – there is another layer that has yet to surrender to who I AM instead of the pressure I take on to be.
Here’s a really private thought: Do you know how subconsciously I feel so much shame about my coaching income? That I haven’t doubled or grown beyond what I make.
There are so many big swinging dicks blasting their million dollar + revenue in my professional world, and there is always the lure and pressure of scaling. Many of my own client’s incomes surpass my own.
What’s funny is – I’ve sustained a solid 175-210k a year gross for all but 2 of my years in this industry (the first year and the first year I went out on my own were both below 100k). Even this year, when I didn’t sell shit for the last 7 months of the year because I had to take care of personal things more than business – I thought my business would suffer – the money still came in. I usually net about 50% of that. This year my business will net less due to book and event expenses. My living expenses are deliciously low, and somehow my savings helped cover hospital and vet bills out the wazoo this year.
And my brain has been conditioned that that is NOT ENOUGH. Can you imagine being ashamed of that?
The fact that I have had a sustainable coaching practice for almost 20 years is an INCREDIBLE accomplishment. And I am done with the not-enoughness. I’m am done with MORE MORE MORE….
I wanna MAKE MAKE MAKE, Create Create Create, Play Play Play, and Connect, Connect Connect.
I wanna cultivate connection and be in my humanness – not drive drive drive. I wanna trust myself more than I ever have – 2023 has shown me that I CAN.
I wanna be in the PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE of living and creating to the wild edges of being human. I’d love to start speaking on stages again – as long as I am free to be me- no filters. I’d love to get paid for writing, and I’d love delicious coaching partnerships. I’ll keep getting paid for lots of the work I create and the help I offer. It’s just what I do. The significance and abundance I thought I didn’t have – has been in me all along.
As my husband once said so wisely, “Allison, I love that you are into growth and change- it’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. But you try so hard to grow, I don’t try to grow at all and I still do.”
It’s been here on my wall all along on this poster. And as my system does, it starts in my cognitive brain, and slowly through space and practice it becomes REAL in my whole body and nervous system.
AND SO IT IS.
