Originally written June25, 2022
๐ฌ๐ผ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ถ๐ ๐ช๐ฅ๐ข๐ก๐!
Does anyone else have an old trauma-based sensitivity to this phrase?
I have been a puppet to these strings.
And Iโm certain Iโve expressed โYou are doing it wrongโ here and in person more times than I wish.
This is one of my great paradoxes. Both losing who the world told me I should be (and still does) and discovering my o
wn authentic way. Uncentering from them to center to me and my centering is still wrong because it is not enough for yet another them.
At the micro, Iโm fucking it all up, to be sure.
At the macro, it is today, this moment of now, and I am a speck of fleshy dust on a 
rock, floating through infinite space. I am a tiny 5โ9 coagulation of matter with thumbs typing on a device with a screen that publishes to the inter and outer of webs.
rock, floating through infinite space. I am a tiny 5โ9 coagulation of matter with thumbs typing on a device with a screen that publishes to the inter and outer of webs.None of it is ever good enough. In me or out of me. What you do or donโt do and what I do or donโt do.
Iโll never be a good enough white, cis colonized, Un-racist, un-indoctrinated, un-Christianized, lib-t#@^, socialist commie woman, and youโll never be a good enough whatever you failed at in the worldโs eyes you.
None of us are doing it right and we are all doing it better than everyone around us in our eyes.
Itโs exhausting.
I see your mess and I see your perfection. I see you doing it wrong and I see you doing it the best you are capable of. I see me doing the same.
I spent most of my 50 years trying to be better. Do right and good and care in the right ways.
And it has NEVER been enough. Not on one side of history or the aisle or the other.
And at the end of the day, here I am with ME. Just me.
My right is only ever good enough for me. It has NEVER lived up to YOUR (whoever you are) expectation. Iโm working on letting your right be good enough for you. Do our rights /our correctness EVER meet in the same place? Maybe for a moment and then another moment happens and showed us our separateness, and wrongness.
Only the SHOULDS rip us each in two and we both lose. We both end up wrong.
Itโs exhausting.
If it isnโt June 25th, if there was no Saturday, no horrible history, and no dreaded future to worry about- there is only right now and right now and right NOW.
No matter what I preach – it is only right now and it only has to be enough for me because it will nev
er be enough for whoever them is. And it wonโt ever be right for you.
What a complicated world we live in with always the threat of UN belonging.
This is the hookโit freezes us, fights us, or fawns us due to the threat of disconnection and belonging.
And that is the one thing we all have in common- the innate need to belong.
Iโm tired of trying to belong in a way that makes you happy while I lose me. Iโm tired of trying to belong in a way that works for you but not me.
Iโm allowed to center me. You are allowed to center you. You are the center of your universe and I am the center of mine.
And the cycle goes in and on- we each try to rip another from their center for our own security.
It is exhausting.
And so for today.
I will just be here – with one dog, and this phone, and my words and expression, and the air touching the bottom of my feet and my bra feeling too tight and my throat itchy.
And is just IS.
And so today, here now. Belonging to only my own sweet soul and SELF of me, has to be enough.
I breathe and check inโฆ..
and it is. 
Ps. I can smell that Leroy is dying. Itโs in his breath. Because that is what life is. It is living and loving and then death.
