ADHD journal post:
I was diagnosed 13 months ago. Only recently have I had the mental and emotional space to gently soak in some learning.
over the last decade out of necessity I have developed a pretty boring routine of nourishing practices and routines that are helpful. It helps with the mental load. I’m learning to glorify routine and boring . . . But effective. Sometimes I miss FUN Allison.
I made a med change recently. Meds have been very effective for me. I switched from Adderal to Vyvanse, and we upped the dose. I ended up with an abrupt anxiety crash in the afternoons with Adderal. Adderal is cheap. Vyvanse is not. Med management is expensive and partially covered by insurance… but only partially.Vyvacne- I have to take it way earlier in the morning, and it lasts way longer. That’s why I’m thinking about this and up at 10:23 pm. Exercise helps. I practice shitty exercise. I think if I can build up to only slightly shitty exercise it will be better. On this med, I feel way more grounded. My breathing capacity feels deeper. Afternoons still involve a bit of anxiety but – I’m grounded and sober about it. Able to hold space for it.
Daily, I uncover connections between lifelong struggles to typical adhd experiences/symptoms. Daily I see how the neurotypical norm set me up for an internalized belief of, “I’m doing it wrong and can’t figure out why my brain can’t do the thing the way they say..” this has led to me being “hard on myself.” Something my therapist sees but I just experience as “normal.” I’m gently unpacking and deconstructing. I have lots of grief re the negative effects on friendships. Lots and lots of loss here. Perhaps even my ex-husband. Also anxiety and a sense of risk meeting new people. I’m slowly accepting my excessive verbal processing. Thinking out loud is my most effective process- but also can be annoying to many people. I’m grateful for the people that love me as I am. I see and feel so much. Hyper aware. Internally. Externally. This has its pros and cons. Since I don’t drink as much as I used to I don’t have a coping thing to cut it off. LinkedIn has the best ADHD + Work content and people’s willingness to share professionally eases m
y insecurities professionally about being open with this.
RSD symptoms are way less of a problem lately. iFS parts work has helped measurably. Another family member of mine – was recently diagnosed. I still learning about executive function. Someone told me ADHD was just in my mind – a belief. A coach. I fired them. Another person told me it was just an excuse to do meth. I wish I’d told them both to eat a dick. Like these screenshots from ADDitude Magazine say, its effect is woven through everything. I’m taking it slow to learn. Taking my time.Grief is also woven through this. I’m not huge on regret but, dang, I see soooo many points of impact where I felt failure or a “less-thanness.”
the systemic inequities in treatment and support make me sad… I’m very aware of them. (I recently learned that many people w ADHD have a really deep awareness of and passion for righting injustice- which comes with lots of disappointment and grief).*It’s been a while since I’ve done an ADHD update. I’m not an ADHD expert or doctor this post is not advice. It did help slow down my wired state and now I am ready and able to go to bed.
