I have many friends and loved ones who are in AA. I am in a different kind of recovery. I struggle with it every day.
I am a recovering Over Achiever.
Today… I had jury duty and thought I would test out an outfit I’m considering wearing for a speaking/teaching opportunity with 40 incredible coaching colleagues. A bright yellow pencil skirt and cute navy blouse with white geometric tulips. It requires a boob-to-knee spanks thing to hold in my softness….and a sexy pair of high heels. Last night I carefully conditioned my hair and straightened it. This morning I put on my outfit….and looked good.
My husband is not an ass…..and he laughed. He said, “You are all fancy pants….businessy.” Then walked out of the room.
As I put on my make-up an touched up my hair. I felt so uncomfortable… physically, not just because spanks suck and 4 inch heels now hurt my tender spine… but also something was off inside. So I took off the skirt and spanks and heels, and traded them for tailored jeans, a smart pair of black flats, and comfy no wire bra and cotton panties. I put on my hippy hand made necklace, earrings made by my friend Stacy Nelson…. and looked in the mirror.
AHHHHH there you are, Allison. The in this moment Allison. The loves & knows who she is Allison.
They said I needed to be thinner, dress better, cuss less, travel more, raise/lower my prices. And they were wrong. I already know this.
And sometimes I think about that phrase…. “What got you here won’t get you there.”
- * What if I were to stop cussing and stop UMMING?
- * What if I were to be more mysterious and unavailable?
- * What if I edited each and every thing I wrote so that the world knows that I have an expensive graduate education and that actually do know my Ps and Qs?
- * What if I were to chic up my style –really make a flash — put on literal pro- panties and get some new professional clothes for public events?
- *What if I could endure my sexy heels (I have quite a collection) for just a few days? The men would want to fuck me…the women would want to be me and that would feel GUUUUUUD.
- * What if I were to bring to 4PC, for this presentation…. my full on performance of who I CAN be. I’ve got the SKILLZ to PAY the BILLZ…. and I can really impress them if I reach back into my closet and pull out the big guns.
- * What if I actually finished my book, created the certification program that people were asking me for, said yes to all the interview/webinar request, upped my game, played bigger, changed the world blah blah blah……
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I’m living in a fucking paradox once again. 4 years ago, what got me there…didn’t get me where I am now. I like where I am now. I like the unfolding and evolving… and is it really true that what got me here (unfolding and evolving) won’t get me there? Or that I really need to GET THERE? Where is there?
…and like an addict may feel about a drink or a bump…. I crave a bit of achievement high. I crave the next. I crave being better and better and growing and learning and shining and expanding and most of all I crave the ACHIEVEMENT Orgasm. For me the achievement orgasm is like porn sex. It happens in a hot flash, is over to soon, and frankly unfullfilling…and I feel shitty about myself afterwards because of a million reasons all induced by comparison.
Is there such a thing as NOT being called to play big…but instead called to just BE YOU? Unfolding, following my heart, taking only naps and inspired action. Letting achievement be not a goal but an inevitability of just being me. What if that is enough? For me, THAT is the intimate, slow loving sex where I see/feel/taste/smell/hear/intuit E V E R Y T H I N G… my orgasm is slow in coming but long in lasting and I look in to my lovers eyes and KNOW we are there together…. in the moment. And the moment has laid a foundation that makes the past not matter and the future stronger.
Trusting myself. It all comes back to this. Stacy Nelson wrote a great post today about it. It was as if it was a message from the Divine for me.
YOU’RE NOT PLAYING SMALL.
Please stop saying that… it just denigrates your self trust.
You’re playing your life in the way that you’ve chosen. You can change the rules any time. NOT because you’re doing something wrong but because you want to do something else.
You don’t need to step into your power.You already have all the power you need… just let it out a little more.
You don’t need to cultivate more confidence.You need to stop breaking down the confidence you have by telling yourself you’re playing small and you’re not stepping into your power.
Stop it.There’s nothing wrong with you.
I was talking with a client and we felt into this piece. We felt into the guilt and the shame brought about by reading all these posts about being MORE than who she is.
She is perfect. She is on a mission already, one that will change the lives of millions of people. Pretending she isn’t capable of that is her only downfall.
It serves no one to pretend that you need to be something more than you already are.
Dust off your wings, they’ve been waiting to soar.Reach into your heart and find the glitter bomb waiting there to explode.Pull the pin.There is nothing small about you.
Just a bunch of people using tag words of ‘become’ and ‘step into’ and ‘small’. I’ve used them too. And I will consciously work to stop using them.
Because it’s not helpful.
I told my client that yes, I’d love for her to make more money than she’s making and have all these things on her list but truly, if she left with ONE thing from working with me, it was a fully developed sense of SELF TRUST.
You have everything you need in this moment to succeed.In life.In business.In love.
Do you trust yourself enough to say that without doubt?
I’ve been playing around with visioning and doodling and drawing out my NEXT BIG THING…. and it has felt blah blah blah blah…. and then her post came as if my sleeping dream was channeled through her fingers to the keyboard to confirm what I am feeling.
And so…. I will be wearing jeans, or pajamas, or something NOT spanksy or pencil skirty for my presentation. And I will be fabulous me…and I will share my heart fully. I know what I will share…because it has come from within….and because I trust myself. And because I love me. And I am good at ACHIEVING…but I am stellar at unfolding.
I am still working on loving and trusting that my FEEL GOOD version of success is actually my SOUL’s path. It is SOOOO fucking tempting to follow the worlds SHOULDS and feel goods. I am sharing today because I am tempted and comparing and anxious about what people will think. And that is the poison of being a recovering over achiever.
And.. I KNOW that I am better when I am just authentic, casual, open-hearted, full-color, ME.
–feeling the outer desire to impress..but the inner need to be me. Felt like sharing with you all.