I’ve struggled with clinical depression my entire adult life. Yep, I’m one of the genuinely happiest and joyful people who happens to wrestle with the deep shadow of depression. I was officially diagnosed at 24 and I’ve been working with doctors and managing it since then. Around the time I was diagnosed I began my journey of self awareness. Therapy, books, personal development study, and spiritual study and practice. Shout out here to SARK – her colorful books seemed to, at that early age, give me permission to be both a total emotional mess, and colorful, and successful at the same time.
Here I am exactly 20 years later at 44, and in the middle of a depressive spell. And probably a bit of perimenapausal pms. Now that’s a sexy combo, eh?
For me, depression isn’t sadness. It’s more of a nothingness. It’s not black, or white. It’s not the glorious sunshine, or the cleansing rain. Its the thick and humid deep grey days. It is the lack of any desire. And, yet, I still have work to do, clients to nurture and support, dogs to care for, a household to run, and me to be.
A ME to BE.
That’s it. How do I be ME, when I don’t feel deliciously me? Maybe you have those days too. And so I want to share a few small things I do, and remember when these seasons or spells hit, that keep me going. Somehow, in these 20 years, I’ve managed to thrive in both life and work. Weaving the joy in with the shadow. Maybe I’m sharing this for you, but probably I’m sharing this for me. To help me remember who I be…and that it always works out.
This is the point in my writing, that head wants me to write some stupid cliche HOW TO STORY. Because the experts say to. Well, I tried three or four and deleted them, and my heart just says, share my story. No formula…just my heart. This is what I do these days. I can’t pretend to prescribe a practice for you. But I can’ share with you what helps me.
The one thing I know about my depression, is that it constantly comes and goes. Sure I have some seasons that feel more sunny (usually during and after a big life change)and I have seasons that feel longer and deeper in to the shadow. There is EBB and FLOW…and the flow always comes back.
I think this is the biggest soother of these times. That when I am specifically depressed, to remember the Universe’s loving general truths:
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- The flow always comes back
- I am loved and held by the divine
- there is nothing to fix and I can just be me, even if I’m depressed
- like the spring flowers each season, I can be new again
- I am not my depression, depression is just a state, and states change
- I can ask Spirit for support
Though simple, these thoughts, soothe me. This morning, before writing to you here, I wrote in my journal. I asked my angels for help with my spirit. I asked them to help me find my joy again. I can ask the Divine to help me find my light and love and happiness and energy and vitality and joy.
Depression always has a gift for me. I used to fight these ebbs. They still annoy me, but I don’t fight them so much because I know that they have a gift for me. Often that gift is to slow me down. Depression reminds me to check myself. Am I remembering to take my meds? Am I moving my body? Am I’m learning to much into achievement over just being?
“There, there, Depression I see you. I will not leave you.”
When I resist these shadows, I miss the lesson, the soothing, the self-compassion. And those are usually the lessons that depression brings to me. It brings me an opportunity to self soothe, to feel the tension stored in my body, to release tears that have been hiding behind subtle stress, and to get back to my self-care practices of moving my body, drinking water, journaling, and prayer.
What about work? When I’m in it, often my inner critic gets the best of me with thoughts like:
- no one wants your lousy depressed mood
- just quit, you’ll never succeed anyway
- you’ll just bring everyone down
- hide, in fact, just go away and disappear completely
You see why I have to soothe? That shit is MEAN. And if I listen to it, if I believe it, I die. I wasn’t meant to die. Not inside like that. Neither were you. The fight for love and life is a just fight. And so I will fight to soothe those thoughts. I will fight to be easy and tender with myself. I will fight to share my heart…because when I do, I realize I am not alone. In my sharing, I give other people permission to choose life and love.
Once I was on a professional panel of coaches. And somehow, I for the first time, shared that I struggled with depression. The audience knew me as totally successful, positive and skilled. I was, but I also struggled with depression deeply and almost daily. After that session, there was a line of people waiting to meet me, to connect with me, and to say, ME TOO.
My boss at the time shamed me later, “I would have NEVER shared that from the stage” she chided. But I knew. The world didn’t need more fake it till you make it. They needed someone who can both be successful and shiny — who also had a shadow side too. In that moment, I decided another layer of me being me deserved to come out of the shadows.
I don’t like to toss it around flippantly. I don’t want to wallow in my depression. I choose not to be a victim of it, but rather see it as a dancing partner. I am still learning to dance the shadows. This post is a dance…. a way for me to tell myself, and my depression that this is sacred.
In that sacredness, I keep going. I get up, make my bed, get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair, I adorn even my depressed self, with love and kindness. I write about it. I journal about it. I self soothe, pray and get back to center….and then…
I don’t push through it with brute force, but with the tender feminine love. With self-compassion and a few extra naps. And these small gestures of self-kindness, somehow begin to fill the well, and I am able to keep taking small steps. Permission to take smaller steps during feely times. Tee, tiny, steps…. and I remember I am enough. And then I go out into the world and do my thing…and take that little bit of light that starts to come through…and I see who else I can give it to.
I wish there was a big finish. There isn’t. Like the depression, there is a flat finish. And ya know what…. it’s perfectly imperfect. Just like me.
PS. This share is not an invitation for your advice, or your offer of healing. I do not need to be fixed. All is well. I would however, be delighted to hear what WORKS FOR YOU if you struggle with depression?
Thanks for this post. I am one of you. It’s been 21 years. I am in conversation and dealing with that every day, without exception. It rolls in like fog, sneakily or all at once. What works to move and shift me is getting stuff on paper. Active Imagination works, where i write with one colour, and listen for another voice to answer me, and then I take down her words in another colour. I have a Pink Goddess (soft), and an Emerald Gypsy (kick ass) and sometimes I don’t know who. She/They are always loving and kind, shifting and reminding me that all is well. Reading anything that lifts me up helps, so I can remember that I am not my thoughts, my ego, my personality. Any freeing word helps. Pulling cards, connecting with wisdom helps. And when I am in serious fear and deeply down, I ask for help from the Divine and surrender there because there is nowhere to go and I know I am held.
We are almost depression twins!!!! 20 and 21 years. Love the idea of pink goddess and emerald gypsy. Isn’t it true…it always ends up ok. <3
Me, too. I have lived with depression since I was 11 or 12, but I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in college some 15 or 18 years ago. It was a long haul to get to the right medication setup that works for me — and after about 8 years, my body chemistry changed and I had to again go through searching for the correct medication combination.
I am happy with my current setup, and I work on my self-development and self-soothing, and I think positive and “do the turnaround”, and I still deal with depressive episodes…thankfully less than I had for many, many years.
I now just allow the depression – I finally came to actually believe in my heart and soul that it will eventually get better. Learning that in my bones has been the biggest help to me. I am able to allow the feelings and the nothing-ness. For a while after I started my self-development journey, I would shame myself over not being able to positive-think myself out of depression. I shamed myself over “needing” medication, as if I should be able to train my brain away from depression.
Now, I allow it to be there and let myself cocoon. I cuddle up in bed and read romance novels from another time period. Somehow, setting myself into another time period instead of reading about modern day stuff really helps prevent comparing and judging myself with the characters. Kindle Unlimited is definitely my friend these days. I can read a book (or two) a day and it helps me zone out far enough from my current stressors or nothing-ness that I don’t send myself further down the black hole.
Love and hugs! Mwah!
Ah yes…the cocooning…and settling into another period of time…hahah.. I usually settle in to bejeweled blitz! (it got me through my divorce in 2003). Thanks for sharing. I don’t feel so alone! Hooray for us depressies!
I know that my soul’s purpose is to shine the light on the psychosis that I have lived through. I have been avoiding coming out of the closet lately, hiding my truth and acting as if all is well. But my shadow has been active in my life, really active, and during certain times I have traveled to other realms, experiencing both hell and heaven. I was diagnosed with major depression in the beginning of it all, ten years ago. I was haunted by spirits and communicated with them constantly for several months. Part of what I went through left me feeling depressed, no kidding, and some of it left me manic, on a high that was most desirable. I am grateful for the medication that has plummeted me into this earthy realm, where I function well now. I see that what I experienced was a massive initiation, one that needed to be led by a shaman, someone who could guide me in the realms in which I found myself, but no one was there to help me traverse the landscape where I was. That has been a disappointment, but I have, nevertheless, learned from the entanglements that I lived through. Z
I appreciate your sharing. My depressive episodes hit hard and sudden, always in response to a trauma. They can knock me flat, and it’s very hard to get back up. All I have figured out to do is to get the attention of someone who knows and loves me, who will put a pill in my mouth, take me to the doctor, and remind me that I will survive again. So far, I have survived every one of them! And that is something to hold onto.
Perfect timing, Allison! I needed this today. I’m in a foul mood and am not being kind to myself or this depression. I’ve been battling this shit since
adolescence and I’m just plain tired of it. So I lay in my bed hiding from the world not wanting to inflict my nastiness on anyone. Sometimes I gotta take a day off from the world… and then I get right back up and keep on going, one little baby step at a time…
Much of what you and the others have written here is the stuff that helps me too – fresh air, sunshine, movement, painting with bright vibrant colors, remembering – this too shall pass and of course – connecting with spirit.
Thank you thank you thank you – to Allison and all who have shared here. You have warmed my heart and helped me to feel connected to the universe.
xoxo