I saw this post this morning and cried. It hit a hope for me — a deep desire. To give and receive so much love until the end of days- even though I never had children of my own.I recently saw a clip where Betty White was discussing never having had children, her work, her love for her animals, and her love for her late husband. She was able to acknowledge she wasn’t able to work and to have kids. She never retired, and she died with us all thinking even 99 years was too soon for her light and humor to go out.
For the first 25 years of my life, I was sure I would have at least 5 kids. My undergraduate degree is in Human Ecology (Child development, cooking, sewing, finances, – I proudly called it my MRS. Degree.
When college didn’t produce a husband, I went to graduate school looking for one. He found me online. A nice man, and 2 years later, just before we got married, I was diagnosed with an early stage of cancer (carcinoma-in-situ) in my cervix. Surgery was an easy correction, but there were complications after the surgery. Doctors assured me that even with the surgery, I could carry a baby, maybe on my back in a hospital, and probably not to full term.
I still had hopes and dreams for kids.
After 2 and a half years of marriage, my nice guy husband left on a random Wednesday. And that day something in me broke. All my naiveté disintegrated as I slid my back down the door he walked out of.
I didn’t realize it then, but I got up that day from the floor armored, and afraid. I got up that day and dove into work. Sales saved my ass and gave me something I never knew I needed.
I still had hope for marriage and a family and looked for a man who had been divorced, had children, and still believed in love and family after heartbreak. I found him in Bill, and I was thrilled to get to be a bonus mom to his two children.
I never did have my own babies. I have never, ever, been pregnant, despite many opportunities. I also never aggressively tried. It just is. And that comes with relief and grief. My desire was only for the ideal. I knew when I didn’t want to have a boy, only a girl, that I wasn’t meant to have babies of my own.
I grieve the kids I never had. I grieve the daughter that was a mirror of my own image, I grieve the adult relationships with my grown children, and I grieve the legacy of my grandchildren, and I’m still scared when I’m dying, I’ll die alone, maybe I’ll have a sweet dog by my side.
But I don’t just grieve not having children. I also grieve the not-so-great mother I would have been. I grieve the closed and armored heart I would have given to my children unknowingly. I have so much compassion for the young me that didn’t know, and for the me in my 30’s who found this unexpected sense of purpose and fulfillment in my work.
Human development, personal growth, spiritual presence, ownership, we can do hard things. For many, these lessons are given in the vehicle of raising children. For me, they were given in the not raising of children, and in releasing that ideal desire. They were given in the vehicle of creating this path of my own small coaching and self-leadership practice, and in doing my own inner work and self-parenting. Spirit knows there are so many inner child parts of me that need my mothering.
Representation matters. I’ve long adored Betty White. In parts of her story, I see some of mine. I love my work, in a way that is sometimes shunned by others (who always seem to have children). I love my animals and adore my partner and husband. My only prayer is that I might release more of the quiet, inner burdens one, by one, so that my light might be as bright and funny and sassy as Betty. May I care for those in my family, and life, with an un-armoured heart..and God willing, may I live till 99 with health, sass, humor, and an open heart, willing to live in the delight of life and being. And when I die, may Billy, my parents, and all my doggies be there to greet me in the great EVERYWHERE.
