Imagine a very quiet secret service protector. She is quiet but consistently over my right shoulder. Her presence is thick and always there. But she isn’t on guard for outside threats; she is monitoring my behavior, my productivity, my processes, and my very existence.
Most of my “Inner System” and parts use verbal language to communicate and are easy to see and know. This part grunts from time to time (a bit like Roy Kent) with disapproval.
Her grunts translated into words are:
๐กYou are doing it wrong.
๐กIf you don’t get it done, you’ll be left.
๐กYou should do more.
๐กIf you slow down, you will evaporate into the void of nothing, NOTHING. ]
๐ก You need to manage this shit because no one else can.
She was brought into my system by being exposed to high-demand religion and systemic patriarchy communities from 1st grade – 25 years old.
I feel the weight of her hard-on-me-ness in the muscles around my scapula. Sometimes I feel her in my clenched jaw.
For the first time, I turn directly to her and say, “Hello, Hard-On-Me, I see you. I am here for you, ” Keeping my distance but communicating my presence with my belly and heart.
She’s not falling for it, and that’s ok. She sees me as 15 years old. And that’s ok too.
She is one of my primary protectors. ALWAYS on. Not like many of my other parts who come and go. She rare
ly sleeps.
I can sense her desire for connection but her fear of dropping her guard. That’s ok, too.
It’s a start.
A connected start.
A connected start plants a seed of softness and presence without asking too much.
Trust must be built first, and trust takes time.
_______
We are all made of multitudes, and because we are human, some of these parts are gripping outdated means and organizing our lives for our protection, which is no longer needed. But we’ve been taught to override these parts, ignore them, and shove them down.
There is another way. It involves new skills. And gentle time on task. And it leads to that inner softness and genuine grounded confidence. Moving through the world less encumbered.
This is the work I do in myself and that I help my 1:1 clients do.
๐
#selfleadership #internalfamilysystems #allpartswelcome
