Allison Crow

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Can I Be Thankful for Losing My Shit and Coming Undone

November 24, 2016

Is is possible to be thankful for coming undone? For the unraveling and losing my shit over and over in the past year?

 
I’m a leader. A small, but still public figure. My life’s work is supported by being online, outspoken and having a tribe.
I’ve been complimented a thousand times for my light and positivity. And in the last 14 months I’ve lost my shit daily. I have felt more shadow than light. And I’ve certainly not behaved like the leader my early mentors taught me to be.
 
But I am not leading from a pulpit. I am leading by living my life- feeling it all and choosing to look for love in all of it. I am being me.
 
Coming undone is the scariest and most vulnerable experience I’ve had as a human. I’ve lost loved ones, and clients, and at times felt like I lost myself.
But really, in the loosing of my shit, I’m finding more of myself.
 
I had both a beautiful and frankly awful childhood. Trauma, chaos, raging, abuse and neglect set me up to be either a complete mess or a complete overachieving control freak…. to be a lover or a fighter.
 
I don’t know if it was choice- or my psyche- I was just so fearful of the pain I chose the rainbows and unicorns. I chose to fix things, to solve problems, to make peace. I chose to overcome vs succumb. I chose lemonade.
 
  • At 24 I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
 
  • At 44 I finally know why. I’ve pressed all these shadow emotions down. I believed that if I let them out…..
– I would die from the pain
– people would leave me
– I would drag others down if I allowed those feelings to surface.
– I was crazy, or would be seen as crazy and this rejected
– it’s not ok to be a mess
– I had to be positive and choose love
 
And so much more.
 
 
I actually enjoy JOY. I enjoy seeing the glass half full. I enjoy feeling good. In well over 50k coaching calls, every client has ultimately wanted one thing- to feel good. Every goal, achievement, desire, healing– ultimately was for the purpose of feeling good.
Outside of coaching, in ordinary life, drinking, shopping, spending, small talk, diversions, and a list of a million more things…. were all for the subtle, and perfectly human desire to FEEL Good.
 
And then in September if 2015 the feeling bad started. Death of close loved ones, loss of stamina and physical health, deeper depression, tax burden, failures in business, parents aging and ailing physically and financially….. and me trying to FIX it all.
 
And clearly, from the moment it all began to show up in the tsunami that can be life is, I saw that no coaching or spiritual bypass would work here.
 

The only way out would be through.

The ONLY way to healing and JOY would actually be the allowing of the feeling bad… the coming undone.
 
They said I risked it all when I took off my clothes on stage last year in a talk about stripping down to my authentic self. But none of us knew that after getting naked, I’d have to turn inside out.
 
And here I am. Undone.
 
Not ready to make nice or smoke unicorn and rainbow crack. It feels riskier than getting naked because I could topple my business (which I put entirely too much of my self worth in). I could have another husband leave me, I could lose more friends for being “too much.”
 
And this season, feeling the shadow is the work I can’t not do. And I can’t not do it in private. It does none of us justice.
 
I always share behind the curtain. And so why stop now. HA!
 
The political and global climate of the last year, the election and in the current aftermath – has been my particular UNcorking. My Kracken is unleashed.
 
I have been without grace, overbearing and downright nasty and mean. I’ve had intentions of being curious and compassionate, fierce but loving…. and instead, I’ve yelled and accused and raged. I’ve sobbed and screamed and wept and been incapable or unwilling to listen. I’ve been overbearing and ugly. I’ve been terrified by the rage and fear and grief that clearly are alive INSIDE of me.
 
I haven’t, and I’ll bet most of you haven’t either, been taught to feel these feelings in a healthy and appropriate way.
 

I. Am. Still. Learning.

 
I don’t have answers. And today, despite the shame and guilt I feel, I also feel thankful. I am grateful that the ugliness in me has demanded to be seen.
 
It has not been pretty. And there is no quick making nice of it.
 
And as my beloved Thich Nhat Hanh says,
 
  • “There, there Anger, I see you. I will not leave you. I am here for you.”
 
  • “There, there, Terror and Fear, I see you. I will not leave you. I am here for you.”
 
  • “There, there, Pain I Think Will Kill Me, I see you. I will not leave you. I am here for you.”
 
Finally, after 20
 years of personal and spiritual seeking and practice, I finally see you. I will not leave you. I am here for you

.

 
And I am grateful for you. And somehow I know that I will be put back together again. And I will have many more undoings as long as I am human. And I will keep going.
 
This is an entirely new version of love. This is an entirely new making and BEing of me.
 
 
 

 

 
Ps. I have not gotten here alone. The sacred space I’ve chosen to feel these feeling has been the Expressive arts with Chris Zydel. And I couldn’t have done this deep work if I hadn’t had the loving leadership of Rich Litvin who always supported and honored me being wholly and vulnerably me.
 
I have had the loving and allowing support of friends and colleagues in sacred containers and circles. 4pc, animal medicine sisters, my own clients, and my Expressive Arts training sisters.
 
And of course, my husband who is my rock. Heaven when he doesn’t understand or agree- he never leaves. He stays. And loves.
 
The story is not over… it is just beginning.
 
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Comments

  1. Christy Nash says: December 17, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Dear Allison,

    I am so grateful to have found you this year. You are so beautifully real (and raw at times). I so connect with your story and Being real without the BS.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and process for others like me to relate to. Your exampleship of being a leader has been so inspiring for me.

    In Joy, Christy

    • Allison says: December 21, 2016 at 10:58 am

      Oh Christy thank you for the lovely affirmation. I’m so glad the Loving Universe connected us.

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Oops. Who else can relate? #ijustsaidiwouldwrite Oops. Who else can relate? 

#ijustsaidiwouldwrite 
#compassionatewriter  #itsaprocess #writeslowly #writingabook #inspirationalmemoir #bookpeoplearethebestpeople #writingcommunity #writerslife
Current RUMBLES I used to think I was pretty ope Current RUMBLES 

I used to think I was pretty open hearted. And honestly I am pretty armored up in one direction. I give and express openly so you don’t see how much I protect my own heart from terror and pain of feeling hard things. 

.... earlier this year I decided to do some private work with a therapist trained coach for some really deep work I could feel surfacing. 

So many ways I am open, and so many ways I run around in my protector self. 

I’m committed to an open heart and it is UNComfortable and nuanced.  I’m committed to gently and compassionately increasing my capacity. It is so tempting to dive in deep from the high dive. 

And I am seeing that space is loving. Slow is loving. Breath is loving. 

Life is messy. Human is not a straight and perfect line. It can be super triggering and nauseating. And I can feel my heart opening a bit more. 

I am learning to allow all of me to be loved. All parts of me are welcome. 

And if that feels good to you.... I encourage you to consider opening up to all parts of you with space, compassion, and breath. 

💛
So much NOISE. There is an overload of stimulati So much NOISE. 

There is an overload of stimulation "out there" and a shitton here on social and it scrambles your brain and can distract your soul and burden your self-trust.  Take a moment to slow down and source YOUR TRUTH and KNOWING from WITHIN.... <3
I get it. For a season you had to create hard to s I get it. For a season you had to create hard to survive. And you did it. Move past survival. Beating yourself up, pushing, pressing hard... may have worked to get this far.... but it’s not working any more. Your Soul knows that the creative way forward requires compassion, space, rest, and playfulness. These are actually powerful and profitable tools.

What if....???
I’ve been cheating on IG and FB with Tiktok. And I’ve been cheating on IG and FB with Tiktok. And I’ll be honest... I don’t really feel like creating “content” anywhere.  I love the creativity and information (and dogs) on Tiktok. And I love seeing small accounts blow up.
You can’t create from love and flow if you have You can’t create from love and flow if you have a stick up your ass.  That is the name of a spiritual talk I have once. And it’s true. You think Lil Nas X is the devil..... nope. Hell is the war you make within yourself.  Your judgement is the only thing making you miserable. Care enough to not care so much and BREATHE, Baby!!! 
💛
Love, your favorite life coach,
Alli.
Many of the most powerful and successful women I k Many of the most powerful and successful women I know are also deeply sensitive and empathic. Meeting and managing our emotions with compassion is not a natural skill - it’s a learned skill. 

Oh, and every fully successfull woman I know still has regular bouts of doubt, overwhelm and anxiety. 

Tired of masking it all, shoving it all down? Perhaps we should talk. 💛
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